So Insecure

so-insecureSo, I have a feeling, an internal and external sensation, really. It is subtle, bordering on imperceptible. It feels like a quiet, calm moving energy both inside me and outside of me. I’ve learned that this is my spirit, my highest self. But I’m unsure what, she, is telling me. Plus, I don’t know if I want to use time and access patience to figure her out!

She, my highest self, appears as I peruse the Boden Catalog. Boden, is an English company, selling colorful, sporty, clothing. She, wants me to learn something about myself or my life from this catalog. I’m coming to understand this because of the sensation I’m feeling as I turn the pages. I don’t have any idea what her point is but I’m willing to try.

The story of deciphering her message goes like this………I’ve always loved the Boden catalog. It’s fun to see vintage patterns on casual and feminine clothing. This time the catalog was trying to tell me something. Maybe she is nudging me to take a trip to London or to buy new clothing that I don’t need or honestly, want right now. No, it’s not that! I know this because I don’t experience that sensation of clarity. The “ahha” feeling that is a crystal clear signal from her, my spirit, that I GOT the message.

In reluctant pursuit of the “ahha” feeling, I hold onto my catalog. Usually I peruse; pretend I have Boden Bucks, imaginary dollars that allow me to buy everything I want, and then move the catalog to the recycle bin, after spending my endless supply of Boden bucks. But this time, I carry the catalog around because it is “poking” at me.

I perservere. While I’m looking closely at the photographs, she, releases a positive knowing. This validation inspires me and provides the hint that the message will be fully revealed by detailed study of the pictures. I get an idea that learning Boden’s philosophy and who the Boden woman is will lead me to the message. But, guess what, I didn’t learn anything. So, with my Boden Bucks spent, my frustration mounting,  the message unknown, I tossed the catalog in the recycle bin!

To release frustration, I follow the need to turn on my computer and start typing. Then it happens, the understanding that was frozen within me gives way…and I get it! She, is leading me to the secure, easy energy the photographer captured.  Feeling liberated and pleased, I know I have received the intended message. “Ahha.” Simultaneously, I know she is highlighting my insecure foundation. So here is the lesson – awareness of your insecure self must be healed in order to live with a secure and easy energy.

My insecure self, fears my easy, secure spirit. My insecure self is anxious, confused, looking in so many places for information, answers. She makes plans, turns ideas and information over in her mind. Constantly putting the pieces together and then rearranging those very same pieces. She tries to answer all the possible questions, anticipate every move of the players and the outside circumstances. Feverishly rearranging the pieces, trying to make a creation that produces peace, calm, and understanding thereby feeling secure. My insecure self can never get to security through these processes. The constant thinking, planning, evaluating, rearranging and reengaging creates the insecurity. Constantly working from outside information or outsider information.

But Ms. Secure, my highest self, has insider information. She knowingly leans over and reaches into a magical bag or purse or maybe even a doctors bag and pulls out what she needs. She is strong, moves with ease. There isn’t multiple steps and careful pondering and rearranging to gain the  knowledge needed in a situation. There is an internal quiet and understanding that dipping inward provides the message. The message is given on a small piece of paper with a quiet mind, a deliberate bow from a reverent posture. It only requires reading it, believing it and acting on it. Again and again.



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